Hats off to Forumosans! It seems that many of you have learned the basics of Taiwan driving. But why continue learning by trial and error? Why not ramp up your skills by enrolling at
Ah-Huang’s School of Offensive Driving You won’t find us showing you how to back down an S-curve or telling you how many times to turn the wheel to parallel park (and forget photo box detectors and license plate glare shields!). Instead, we offer a three level program and seminars to help you make the most of your Taiwan driving experience. Here is a sample of what you get…
BEGINNER At this level, we start you off by getting you into something really offensive - something with four wheels - then make sure you have a firm grasp of basic techniques, such as:
“Creative Parking”
We show you how best to park on blind turns, how to double park opposite someone already double parked, and how to get the most from sidewalk parking. We also teach a number of situations in which you should come to a complete stop in traffic - for example, having spotted a betelnut stand or employee of said establishment.
“The Straddle”
Unsure which direction you might want to turn in the near or distant future? Not even sure if you’re on the right road? In this technique, we show you how to straddle the dotted line in the middle of the road.
“The Wedge”
Need to turn left against oncoming traffic? Fortunate enough to be behind someone else determined to turn left? In this beginner’s technique, we show you how to use the forward car as a shield. We also go on a field trip downtown to demonstrate how, when properly executed, a single wedge can contain up to a dozen cars!
INTERMEDIATEAt this level, we build upon the beginning level and show you how you can save five or more seconds on every trip, such as:
“The Nudge”
Is some beginner in front of you straddling? Is a motorcycle driving in the middle of a lane? We teach you what a lane is, and show you how to force someone into one and/or off the road completely - without ever making physical contact!
“The Creep”
We show you several techniques for creeping into a steady stream of cars, particularly during rush hour. As you get better, you will be able to do this at higher and higher speeds until you’re ready for “the advanced creep.”
“Caronary Angioplasty”
This technique, basic to motorcyclists, is an intermediate maneuver in a car. We show you how to circumvent a bottleneck by using the invisible express lane, particularly on freeway exits.
ADVANCEDAt this level, we teach you new techniques and how to combine them with all previous techniques in order to attain the mystical secrets of “cartori,” at which time you will not only be able to anticipate your opponent’s every move, but also realize that “it’s all one big S-curve.” A few sample techniques:
“The stake”
We show you how to differentiate “a little red” from “almost green” and use this to your advantage to split a “wedge” in two. A successful “stake” strands a number of cars in the intersection while passing all those that made the turn.
“The forced creep”
Whereas the intermediate “creep” counts on the goodwill of fellow motorists, the advanced “creep” gets a half car length ahead of the target, steps on the gas just as the forward vehicle moves, then forces him/herself in just enough to prevent the target from moving. With time, the forced creep learns to get into any lane at any time, and may even attain the “Varica” level at which the brake can be avoided altogether.
“Smoking the hive”
With a few adjustments to your car’s exhaust system, you’ll soon be clearing every motorcycle from the motorcycle-only spaces at intersections. This technique can also be taught to motorcyclists.
“The caress”
In one of the more difficult advanced maneuvers, we show you how to bump someone so slightly that they’re not completely sure whether or not you actually made contact (in the beginning we will just use something called “retractable side mirrors”). This technique is best used against motorcycles, and almost always encourages them to move closer to the curb. “The caress” is considered strategically superior to the brute force of “the carom.”
We realize that some of you may just want to develop one or two specific skills, and to that end we offer a number of
SEMINARS. A few of the more popular ones are:
“Chalk Art”
Since Taipei City passed an ordinance earlier this year requiring motorists to carry and use their own chalk during accidents, this seminar teaches non artists the basics of chalk art, including the different types of chalk, as well as how to draw body and appendage shapes.
“Intervehicular Communication”
Among other things, we teach the basics of “horn language” (everything from “I’m here” to advanced conversation and obscenities) and strategies for the post-accident haggle (how to consistently win with the “I’m smaller so you owe me” defense, and how to use the “wave-smile-bow” during creative parking). We also demonstrate the uses of nonverbalorvisualcommunication when passing taxis, police, or targets of a recently-executed advanced maneuver.
“Fun and Games”
For advanced students only, this seminar shows you a number of ways to entertain yourself during long drives (i.e. those in excess of 20 minutes). We’ll get you involved in games like “Race the MRT” and “Highway Chicken.” Some games will use parts of the car you never existed. For example, in “The Blind Spot Game” you use your mirrors against those of your opponent’s: when someone comes speeding up behind you, you force him into the “blind spot” of the adjacent car (we will tell you what that is), then speed up and watch the fun as the car next to you tries to change lanes! We also recommend a number of fun weapons you can keep on board, such as pieces of plywood with rusty nails pounded through them, broadswords, and aggressive dogs. Last but not least, we’ll show you how to use a flashlight to make a scary face through tinted windows!
“Open Forum”
In this driver’s ed equivalent of “open mike night,” we address audience questions ranging from the complicated (e.g. “Does turning off my headlights really conserve fuel?”) to the downright obvious (e.g. “If I have two headlight settings, why would I ever want to use the dimmer one?”).
By now, you probably get the idea. Feel free to drop by
Ah-Huang’s School of Offensive Driving for a visit. We have a repair shop on the premises with generous discounts for students. And don’t forget to visit our gift shop, which stocks a wider variety of protective talismans, guaranteed to protect your rear-view mirror from damage during accidents!
