Your funniest teaching stories

[Bassment Productions]

I've had a few of late which I'll share

- I'd just taught the math symbols and was playing a game calling out 'what's 9x5' etc. I was pairing the kids up into groups of 2, Alice and Sally would be AS on the board, Harry and Michael .. HM.. this was going fine until Lawrence and Paul when I wrote LP on the board. This caused the whole classroom the burst into laughter for about 2 minutes nobody could control themselves (I also teach at one of those schools where parents can sit at the back). At the time, I had no idea why (the rukkus was quelled by changing to PL) but after class I found out from a Chinese teacher the whole Lampa (testicles) LP Chen Shui Bian story.

- I was teaching a section using 'believe' with questions like 'Do your friends believe you?' 'Why do you believe your parents?' etc.. during the question time one 4th grader asks 'Do you believe Chen Shui Bian?' to which the answer was no. This class is all 4th graders up except for one 2nd grader who is insanely short and also the class clown, who starts chanting "Xia Tai Xia Tai" (step down) and had a few of the other kids join in. I didn't really check for a reaction of the parents but just moved on after saying that they'd been watching too much news.

A couple of good ones from a while ago:

The subject was start/stop + gerunds ie. When did you start learning English? When did you stop eating junk food?
One particularly bright girl asked 'When did your great great great great great great great (now I'm wondering where this is going) great great great grandfather stop breathing?' and she'd remembered to omit the 'e' from breathe in her book.

And finally, 'problem' .. What's your problem? My problem is I'm nearsighted .. Do you have a problem?
One boy's response: 'My problem is I'm too handsome'

[Sherryx]

My funniest teaching stories usually occurs whenever I'm drawing on the whiteboard. I'm terrible at making art with a marker. Like the other day, I was trying to tell the students what is "tip of the tongue" and my picture looked like a penis. I erased it immediatly, but not before the students got a good laugh at my art! and my embarresment!

[delieadalish]

chocolate kangaroo!!!!

It was someone's birthday and their mom briught in cakes for everyone, lucky me got chocolate mousse. Sam (a particlarily bright but naughty kid asks) moose? like the big animal that Winona likes form Canada?? weird... I explained that no it was mousse not moose, one being a fluffy whipped desert and the other being the animal. To which he replied oh too bad. ? I can;t leave well enough alone so I ask why it's too bad? His reply, well, I was thinking if they have chocolate moose then they might have chocolate Kangaroo, and kangaroo's are way cool than moose, so I thought choccolate kangaroo would be really really yummy... but I guess not. Oh well too bad. (in my head I still call mousse kangaroo!)

[Big Fluffy Matthew]

mmmm.... strawberry kangaroo..... *drool*...

[Redmenace]

Last year I had to lead the whole school during morning exercise (thank god that's over). I was just about to begin the first song when one of the yoyo students, maybe two years old, ran up to me and proceeded to reach up and firmly grasp my cock and balls (for lack of a better term). Then he turned around and shouted to the whole school, "Teacher Josh is a boy! Teacher Josh is a boy!", while pointing to my crotch. I was the only male teacher in the school, and all the female Taiwanese teachers' faces were red from embarassment. I think his class had just had a lesson about body parts, and he had to see if it was really true. It was.

[Goose Egg]

I was doing adjectives and body parts with a class of 11 to 13 year olds. I got them playing 'tennis' in pairs, whereby each student describes the other in turn until one can't think of anything, and they lose the game.

Everything went swimmingly, and then I got a couple of the girls to go against each other: 'She has curly hair', 'She has bright eyes', 'She has long legs', etc. It was going really well, until one girl pointed at the other and said, 'She has small tits!'

Now, I'm good fun as a teacher, but I soon recognized an opportunity to show that I have a mature side. I didn't get angry, but instead chose to reeducate the children on the more polite term. So, I said that, yes, the other girl does have small tits, but that tits is a little rude, and it is better to say breasts. They looked confused, so I held my hands to my chest so as to imitate breasts and got them to repeat the word after me, which they did, but of course reluctantly and looking to each other confusedly.

I decided that I had come this far, so I may as well make sure they understand it, so I drew a pair of breasts on the board and spelled the word out for them in big, bold letters, just as one of the Chinese coteachers walked past the window. I waved reassuringly to my colleague and carried on with the lesson in hand.

The students still looked perplexed, and it was only after I started demonstrating huge knockers with my hands while repeating the word breasts that the student playing the game finally spoke up. Pointing to her own mouth, she muttered, 'Teacher! She has small teets!'

[navillus]

I had just started a new job and wanted to get an idea of where the students were so started off by telling them to write the alphabet. One little girl wrote this,

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y N Z

I was explaining "mean" as in what does this mean to the same class a little while later and drew a traffic light to explain.

"Richard, what does green mean?"
"Go"
"Good, what does red mean?"
"Stop"
"Good, and what does yellow mean?"
"Hurry up"


Another time,

"Howie, where are you going?"
"Ummm... er.... ahhh......teacher can I speak Chinese?"
"Well... OK"
"7-11"

[Bassment Productions]

my kids have to tape their homework

today I heard this from a 9 year old girl:

Do you know how to f*ck your computer?
Yes, I do. I know how to f*ck my computer.

instead of fix...

I have audio if there's a way to post it up

[jdsmith]

kids grow up so fast....

[Funk500]

when l taught in Korea... 2 boys sat next to each other Tony and Sam were best friends. We were talking about things you can ride.
" a bike"
" a horse" etc
everyone was getting the concept so l changed to "Have you ever ridden a horse?..camel etc?"
a huge chorus of "No".

Then, out of the blue, Tony looks at me and says "Teacher, have you ever ridden Sam?"
Err..no... had to move swiftly on from that one